Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Why you shouldn't start requests with "Hey Mandy! You're crafty, right?"

Tiffany is an incredible story-teller. This makes her ideal for council time lessons. The woman has cross referenced scripture, props, drawings, and lists, and the kids are mesmerized (some more than others) every time. She comes prepared. So when it was time to tell the David and Goliath story to the kids, I wasn't surprised when she had a visual. A really large visual.

You see, Mr. Goliath the Philistine Man was 9 feet and 9 inches tall. Nine! Foot! Nine! And because it's easy to miss just how massive that is, Tiffany cut a piece of butcher paper to that exact length, to show the kids just how tall the big bad dude was. After she got it cut, she pulled me out of game time to help her.

And that's where it all went terribly, terribly wrong.

"Hey Mandy!" she said, unsuspectingly. "You're crafty, right?"

"Um. Yeah," I answered, hesitantly. "Why?"

"Well, I have this giant sheet of paper, and I want you to draw Goliath on it," she replied. "Mine would just be a stick figure. Can you draw one?"

"You mean, one that's not a stick figure?" I asked. Just a stick figure? What else is there?

Yes, I am crafty. But what Tiffany (and many others) fail to understand is that crafty people can't necessarily draw. I mean, I have the physical ability to draw, but it doesn't look like anything. I'm pretty impressed with myself when I doodle a ladybug when I'm bored in a meeting, or maybe a butterfly with the little dashes so you know where it was just flying.


All this to say, this was a bad idea, Tiffany. Bad idea.

Exhibit A:

Aubree and Ashlyn pose with Goliath.

So I started with the head. I wanted to make him mean and scary, so obviously I went with the bloodshot eyes, the toothy growl mouth, the angry eyebrows, and of course, the Ethan/Joe Jonas hair, mark of a true villain.

Stop judging me. His eyes might have been different sizes. And his ears might have been in completely different places on his head. You don't know what he looked like back then. Plus it gets so much worse.

Evidently Goliath had a girl neck, no shoulders, two different sized arms (with a tumor on one of them), and sported a J-Crew tee.

And levitating by his hip as if by magic, a shield. Contrary to what you may think, it is not an old-fashioned wagon wheel. Just in case there's any confusion.

And the pants. Oh, the pants. I'm not sure why he's wearing saggy pants. You would think with his inseam, he'd have a hard time finding them big enough in the first place, but too big? Who knew that was even possible?

And of course, we end with the shoes. Evidently Goliath needed special, corrective shoes since they're two different sizes and all. Also, fun fact: evidently Philistenes wore lace-up shoes and had two different ankle sizes.

I'll tell you one thing - I doubt Tiffany will be asking me to draw anything else for her. I think I'll stick with scrapbooking.


Eric said...

LOL!!!! Oh, please tell me you took that home with you. I want to see that hanging in the office!

Amanda said...

it would be very hard to draw at that scale! I can see giants shopping at jcrew too, they like to be preppy and well dressed. It makes them feel like they fit in.

Erin Sullivan Haynes said...

WOW. You literally made my cry (tears of laughter).

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

HAHAHAHAHA! way better than anything I could have drawn!

cindi said...

You're right. We don't know what Goliath looked like. You MIGHT have even been kind and drawn him better than he really looked.

P.S. Borrowing this idea for next time I have to do counsel time. I'll remember not to ask someone "Hey you're crafty, right?"

Mandy and Jack said...

Haha you CAN, just don't expect it to look great!! :-D

Blabbermouse said...

WHAT? I thought your drawing was good!! My eyes are two different sizes. It's NATURAL.

Tiffany said...

I was laughing so much while I was reading this that Caleb had to say, "Stop laughing, Mommy!"

So. Funny. And seriously, I think you did a good job! Folks, she didn't tell you that I only gave her about 3 minutes to draw him!