Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In which some people pee and I die inside

As you may know from my recent tweets and blog entries, I've been hanging out at Starbucks a lot lately. It has been awesome. I'm getting work done, relaxing, and I even learned a little something about free or cheap drip coffee and hot tea refills when you have your Starbucks card registered. Life is good at Starbucks.

Except that this particular Starbucks is in kind of a touristy part of town, I guess, so the bathrooms are locked and you have to ask for a key from the barista so they can make sure only the customers use it. Which is a little awkward when you have to pee, but, you know, it is what it is.

Anyway, there's a sign on the door that explains the situation.

Exhibit A:

Obtain! A key! from the barista! AT THE REGISTER!

And yet? People had an obscenely hard time with these simple instructions.

Sometimes it was non-customers who came in off the street and were disappointed to find that they would have to pay $4 to empty their bladders (and then fill them up again!). They were generally okay since they would briefly complain and then decide to pee or get off the pot (HA!).

Another kid stood at the door and tried to open it, and then screamed out to the people he was with that "SOMEBODY ELSE IS IN THERE!" and proceeded to knock on the door to the empty bathroom for the next 2 minutes, which proves 1) He is an idiot and 2a) He either didn't understand that Starbucks' bathrooms were always one-person bathrooms or 2b) he's really rude and didn't care that whoever was "in there" probably wouldn't have cared for someone banging on the door like a maniac.

And of course, there's the two guys who did pretty much what the above kid did, and then when they finally figured out that they had to obtain a key from the barista (read: when I yelled "you have to get a key" four times at them), they came back to the door and unlocked it as they talked loudly.

"Dude," one said to the other. "You can't take the key in with you, or you're going to get locked in."

"Oh yeah," the second said. "You'd better keep this outside with you."

This idea was one of the stupidest I've ever heard. If the whole "locking their customers in while they pee" thing were true, there would probably already be a really unhappy customer locked in there. Since, you know, there's no way to get out if the key is in there with you.

Seriously, the logic of that is so screwed up. But anyway, that's what they did. One of them held on to the key while the other went in. And of course, the one on the outside kept unlocking and opening the door while the other was peeing. But it wasn't until the second one went in that it got really ridiculous.

I was sitting around the corner from the bathroom, so I heard him put the key into the lock and turn it. Then he came running around the corner, laughing like an idiot and saying "I locked him in! I locked him in!" to me. I just stared at him, shocked that anybody could actually be that stupid, and then looked back at my computer.

A few seconds later, his friend came out of the bathroom (because hey! Guess what! It's not locked on the inside. It's locked on the outside.) The key-holding idiot looked all dejected and said "awwww man! I thought I locked you in!"

And America's future died just a little bit more.
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