Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear children of the world

Dear children of the world,

They have been lying to you. About most everything.

First of all, your face won't freeze like that. It's just not possible. I mean, you do probably look dumb making that face and you should likely stop for social reasons. But trust me when I tell you that I have seen my husband make every face in the book and never once has his face frozen that way. I mean, honestly. Once he looked at me, made a strange face, and when I asked him what it was about, he proudly announced that he had never made that particular face before and wanted to share it with me.

So anyway, no. It won't freeze.

And school. Oh man, they are totally screwing you on that deal. Elementary school is a joke. You can skate through that one. And middle school? Unimportant. You should keep your GPA high during high school, but after you get accepted to college you can skip out on the work during your senior year, so really, let's be honest, you only have to apply yourself for three years total.

Also? You will not be held back for failing gym and you will probably not use the calculus or physics you are learning. If you're not going to be an engineer or something similarly smart, you can stop paying attention there too. The most math I do on a daily basis is adding and subtracting up to 90 seconds from a time code, and I work in a semi-technical field.

And that whole texting and driving thing?

Well, that one's pretty sound. Don't do that.

And when you are six and throwing a fit, screaming and yelling and being angry and dramatic and adorable and hilarious, the adults around you will look like this:

And when you scream "STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" they will compose themselves and say "we're not laughing at you! We're laughing at... something else!"

Don't believe them. They were totally laughing at you.
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