Thursday, November 11, 2010

I would have preferred Kristen Wiig

There are a quite a few moral issues that I am annoyingly strict about. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, and there are no exceptions.

It is absolutely wrong to steal music, software, or other intellectual property even though it's easy. I don't download music illegally. I just don't.

Everything in the Bible is true. No matter what modern society says about it.

If you're going to make one lasagna, you might as well make two because it's the same amount of work. Freeze it for later or give it away to somebody who needs a pick-me-up. But never make one lasagna.

And you just don't break the rules with coupons.

One manufacturer's coupon per item. One store coupon per item. Read and follow the rules and conditions on the coupon. Never try to slip in a coupon for a different store or mismatched product if you're not supposed to use it. Don't make copies of printable coupons. And never ever try to use manufacturer's coupons after the expiration dates.

These are the golden rules of couponing, and I follow them religiously. In fact, my friend Eric teases me about my goody-two-shoes method of coupoining. But if you don't do it right? You ruin it for everybody else.

Case in point: Target today.

Evidently some bad couponers have shoved a stick up this cashier's... nose. Because she had quite an attitude the moment I brought out my coupons.

I had eight items and 16 coupons - 8 store coupons, and 8 manufacturer's coupons. Following me so far? One store coupon and one manufacturer's coupon for each item I had. Which, for the record, is totally in line with Target's coupon policy.

One of the manufacturer's coupons happened to have come from a catalina in Kroger, and though it said "redeemable at Kroger" on the side, it also said "manufacturer's coupon" and had a double barcode that began with a "5," which meant that if Target were to send this coupon into the manufacturer, they would get the money back just like any other manufacturer coupon they send in.

It's how it works; trust me. I'm not new at this.

The woman took one look at the coupon and rolled her eyes.

"You can't use this," she snapped, eyeing the stack of coupons under it and the many boxes of Prevacid on the belt. "It says you have to use it at Kroger."

"Actually," I replied politely, "it's a manufacturer's coupon. You can use it at Kroger, but the manufacturer will still pay you back for it if you send it from here."

"No. You can't use it here," she rolled her eyes again at me. I paused, a little surprised at how sharp her tone was and much more bothered by that than her not letting me use the coupon.

"Would you mind if we asked a manager about this? I'm certain that this is a manufacturer's coupon," I said, as I pointed to the GIANT LETTERS THAT SAID "MANUFACTURER'S COUPON" THAT WERE TYPED ACROSS THE TOP.

She called the nearest employee over (I am almost convinced that he was not, in fact a manager at all, but just another cashier) and he glanced at it, said "no, it says Kroger on it," and handed it back.

"Okay, that's fine," I replied, taking the coupon. "Just take one of the boxes off and I'll just use this some other time."

More eye-rolling commenced.

"Is she even allowed to get this many?" the snotty cashier asked her 'manager.' "Isn't there, like, a limit or something?"

Um. WHAT? Is there a limit on how many non-sale items I can purchase from your store at once!?

Sorry, ma'am, you have too many grapefruits here. You're going to have to put some of them back.

A full shopping cart? Well that just won't do. You have far too many items to be shopping at this Target.

I know you want to buy shoes for all your kids, sir, but we have a strict three-item policy. You're going to have to choose which kids are going barefoot this school year.

Fortunately, she let me purchase my now seven items. Lucky me.

The rest of the time spent scanning the coupons was full of loud sighs and more eye-rolling (in a store that was very nearly empty at the time, by the way, so I'm not sure what she was in such a hurry about).

When I finally walked out a few minutes later, she had succeeded in making me feel like a terrible burden on this store as well as a liar, and as a result I was pretty sure I didn't need to "bother" them again with my purchasing so many items at once there.

When I got to my car, I opened the bag and counted the boxes of Prevacid once again to make sure that she had included all of them. With the attitude on that one, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had thrown a few boxes in the trash while I wasn't looking.

Eight. There were eight boxes. She forgot to take the one she removed from the receipt out of the bag.

And since I am the kind of person who tries to cheat Target by using bad coupons there, I am obviously the kind of person who flat-out steals stuff she didn't buy. So I peeled out and never looked back.

Just kidding. I took the box back in to face more icy blank stares. Good thing we get rewarded in heaven for that kind of crap, because Target certainly didn't want me back in their store, regardless of what I was doing there.

The ironic thing is, when she handed me the receipt as I was leaving the first time, a catalina printed out.

It was another manufacturer's coupon, much like the one they had refused to scan from Kroger, that says it can be redeemed at Target.

But I have a feeling that a Kroger cashier will be happy to scan that for me when I choose to spend my money at their store instead.

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