Thursday, June 23, 2011

Acting like a complete D-Bag - A tutorial!

I guess there's something about airports that turns people into complete self-centered jerk-holes (see also: people are probably always like that). It never ceases to amaze me.

But then  I started thinking that, maybe, just maybe, they're not the ones doing it wrong! I am!! Politeness is SOOOOO antiquated. I might as well be wearing a corset (do Spanx count?) and letting my husband handle the money (he does). 

Not anymore, world. I figured it out! And since this is the internet, my figuring it out has made me an expert on everything related to this topic and therefore I am qualified to write a tutorial about it! By following a few simple guidelines, you too can act like a moron in public.

1) If you are a PRIORITY passenger, with a PRIORITY ticket, looking for the PRIORITY line, please, by all means, shout that at the TSA agent. Not only will you let everyone around you know how important you are, but you'll definitely make yourself feel VERY superior to those suckers in the NON-PRIORITY line by doing so.

2) If you are a TSA Agent, make sure you let everyone know how miserable you are to have this job! A scowl is a great start, but also be on the lookout for novice travelers so you can scold them about breaking one of the ten thousand security rules. Make them feel as dumb as possible by condescendingly reprimanding them with phrases like "You're SUPPOSED to remove your shoes, sir. WHY DIDN'T YOU REMOVE YOUR SHOES?" and "You can't bring more than 3 oz bottles of liquid on the plane, ma'am. HAVEN'T YOU EVER TRAVELLED BEFORE, YOU MORON?" Again, be as loud as possible for optimum douchery (See rule 1).

3) When the coffee place gets your order wrong, march yourself back up to that counter and DEMAND that they redo it. Don't waste your time asking nicely; that kind of crap is for suckers. And even after they start fixing the order, ream them about how the coffee was HORRIBLE and how it completely ruined your day. These baristas get paid a good $7 an hour - there is no reason they should EVER make a mistake making that kind of money. Especially on YOUR order. DON'T THEY KNOW HOW FREAKING IMPORTANT YOU ARE? 

4) Take every opportunity you can to push and shove people out of the way or jump in front of others in line if you feel like it. Security lines, Starbucks stir-stick stations, bathrooms - it doesn't matter as long as YOU WIN. And for the love of all that is holy, never EVER let anybody ahead of you. You can't be a winner if you don't get there first!

5) And finally, make sure you are completely clueless when it comes to the security rules and common courtesy guidelines. Clog every space you can by stopping in the middle of walkways to talk or adjust your bags. Ignore all the signs that say to take your laptop out of your bag or put your liquids in a plastic bag (and then throw a fit when they take them away!) After all, it is all about you. Don't ever forget that.

If we all work together to follow these rules, I think we can make the world a much ruder and more self-centered place. 

And I think that's exactly what it has been missing.
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