Thursday, July 21, 2011

You can see why I'm so influential

My friend Jackie recently introduced me to Klout because she noticed that I was listed as "influential" in some categories there. Because, obviously. I am SO influential. You think Mandy Hornbuckle, you think "influential." And also, "cake."

SHOCKINGLY, I'm only listed in five categories, but maybe sometimes less is more, because I think they sum me (and my vast expertise on each subject!) up really well. For example:

#5 - Weight loss. You really nailed that one on the head, Klout! I pride myself on my weight loss influentiality! I mean, when I'm not screaming at those fatties in my 5 a.m. Boot Camp classes or performing my duties as Nutritionist to the stars, I am influencing my MANY twitter followers with tips on how they, too, can lose 65 pounds in 5 days! We're working! We're moving! We're in the zone, we're grooving!

#4 - Moms - Oh yeah. I'm definitely influential about the topic of moms. Not only do I have a mom, but I know other people who are moms too! I mean, you just can't get that kind of expertise from anybody else! Here's a free tip about moms to the followers who are here for my wealth of mom knowledge, just because I love you: Moms are almost always women! See? INFLUENTIAL!

#3 - Cheeseburger - You wouldn't think that somebody who is as influential as me in "weight loss" would also be so influential in "cheeseburger," but you would be WRONG about that. This is exactly the kind of topic that makes me mysterious and interesting on Twitter. How does she eat all those cheeseburgers and lose so much weight? Does she have MAGIC cheeseburgers? The answer is, yes, they are magic cheeseburgers. Made by moms.

#2 - Cougar - You may be wondering why most of the topics I am so influential in are singular instead of plural. Evidently I am only influential about one cougar, and his name is Floyd. Floyd the Cougar and I go way back, and thanks to my clever social networking expertise, I have turned him into a Twitter superstar. You're welcome, Floyd. It's been quite a ride with you.

#1 - Christianity - I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the topic I am most influential about is Christianity, what with my many religious tweets and blog posts. I like to really shove it down peoples' throats, you know? My favorite past-time is to reply to peoples' sinful tweets with a "What would Jesus Tweet?" That really puts them in line while making me super-popular and, you guessed it, INFLUENTIAL. Yay, Jesus! You and I are influencing others together!

As you can see, I've conquered these areas of expertise and I'm ready to add on bigger and better topics to my influential circle as well.

Next up: "dandelion."
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