Friday, October 28, 2011

Dancing in the Minefields

Jack and I didn't have the best week together.

You know how some weeks are just off? Yeah, that.

He and I have so many "on" weeks that an "off" week is really jarring. I get annoyed and naggy. We both get tired. We need a break from life but there's no such break in life, or in marriage. And on these kinds of weeks, it's even more important to pour effort into watching my tone and reactions when I'm communicating.

(I'm not always good at that.)

It's not fun, but God didn't promise us "fun" all the time, did He? I guess that's the thing about "for better or worse."

Sometimes there's "worse."

It's interesting, though - I was ready for "for better or worse" in a different way than this. I am and will always be committed to powering through those "really bad" times when we'd rather not be married, and I know he feels the same way.

What I didn't expect, though, was that sometimes my "worse" would be his "better." And it wouldn't be at all about us not getting along or not wanting to be married. It would be about life throwing us different stuff than the other one gets. Simple as that.

He is winning World Championships and purchasing taekwondo schools and becoming a Master Instructor. Every dream he has ever had has come true within the last 12 months. He spends most of his time elated, and I am so, so happy for him. And so, so proud of him.

Rejoice with those who rejoice.

In the meantime, though, I am losing grandparents and dogs and extremely close friends, and working through problems at work, and trying to cope with shouldering a lot of the responsibility of keeping up with the house and my part of the business and losing my husband's attention in general. It has been a hard year. Probably one of the hardest of my life.

Weep with those who weep.

It feels terribly selfish to say that. To have had a hard year, partially because all my husband's dreams came true? How selfish am I?

(Extremely selfish, to answer that question, though not exclusively for that reason.)

Weep with those who weep. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Simultaneously. Because not everything in life comes presented in a really organized boxes wrapped in butcher paper and a tulle bow, evidently.

Really, it has been a relief to have this much good coming from his side - I believe God put that in our lives not only because it's where He wanted us to be, but also because it's a relief to have something to rejoice about when we also have something to weep about.

But it still feels a little unbalanced sometimes.

I would love to tell you that I have it all figured out now, that I figured out to essentially weep with those who rejoice.

But I don't.

What I do know, though?

It's worth figuring out.

It's worth fighting for.

And I'm really, really thankful that he's the one I get to weep and rejoice with.
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