Thursday, July 19, 2012

Heart-shaped sabatoge

I remember it like it was yesterday.

My high school boyfriend-at-the-time and my mom gleefully spreading the seeds around the corner of the backyard. He pointed at the lattice we had mounted to the side of our house.

"It'll just climb right up the lattice," he told her. "We have them at my house too. They're super-easy to grow."

When the morning glory ivy started coming in, climbing and twisting itself up the lattice, covering the small backyard wall in heart-shaped leaves and deep purple flowers, my mom and I were delighted. He was right! They did indeed climb!

And they were heart-shaped! And my favorite color! How sweet was he to plant these in my backyard for me? It was a reminder of him every time I saw them.

But I'm starting to remember it differently.

Because it's a decade later now. The lattice is gone, and I own the house with another man. (You know, that one I married?)


They're not pretty anymore either, no. They find anything and everything they can get their slimy little ivy tentacles on (Fences! Bricks! Other plants! DirecTV cables! The dog, if she sits there long enough!), clinging and wrapping and hanging on for dear life. Which I don't even think they need to worry about because I'M PRETTY SURE THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF DEAL WITH SATAN INVOLVING ETERNAL LIFE IN MY BACKYARD.

I'm racking my brain through that memory, trying to recall a scheming look across the high school boyfriend's face as he tossed the SEEDS OF DOOM around, some indication that he was psychically aware that he and I would eventually break up and I would marry someone else and be STUCK WITH THESE MORNING GLORIES FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.

(Apparently his psychic powers overlooked the part where our breakup was quite amicable.)

No, this was no act of love. The heart-shaped flowers were a cover for the SABOTAGE and EVIL that he was unleashing on Future Mandy, who now spends several hours every few months cutting and pulling and spraying and shrieking every 6.5 minutes when imaginary geckos run up her leg and CURSING THESE #$%&*^ HEART-SHAPED LEAVES that have a root system ending in the backyard of some very nice Chinese family, I'm sure.

So, he was right. They are super-easy to grow.

What he didn't tell us, however, was that they are definitely not super-easy to break up with.

Well-played, ex-boyfriend. Well-played.
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